On Being a Pastor's Wife
I do not have a ministry.
My husband and I are not a "ministry couple".
In fact, I do absolutely very little in the Church and I don't sport any "leadership" titles. I don't sing in the choir, play any sort of music, lead Bible studies or other groups, I have no direction in the Christmas pageant or Sunday school, I don't try to raise my kids to be "perfect little angels", and I certainly don't think that it is my job to "manage" the pastor. I am simply a mother who brings her two children to Church and Sunday school. What else should I be? If you would listen to the world then I must be a terrible pastor's wife.
I don't focus on trying to BE a "pastor's wife". The wife of a pastor is just as sin-bound as the rest of all humanity. Before God there is nothing extra-special about me just because of who I am married to. Just as with all Christians, there is a cross to bear, but it is not any worse or better for me than any other person. I am happy to bear the cross He gives me because He causes the Fruits of the Spirit to grow through it. The fruits I bear may go unnoticed many times but I am happy with that also. I must decrease so that He may increase. Here is one example:
I don't speak out about theology or church issues in our congregations. That is my husband's role and God is his help. I have faith that God would lead the church through my husband where He would have it go. I have no need to go about gaining glory for myself by trying to be a great theologian in the eyes of God's people. As a result God is increased because the eyes of His people are fixed on Him and not me, and He is increased in my heart by making it humble and faithful. All Glory be to God!
As my husband received his first call I wondered if I would be jealous of the churches. I had heard it said around seminary that the Church would be your husband's mistress, his other wife. Now I find that idea to be totally despicable and quite a depraved way of thinking. The Church is not a mistress, she is the Holy Bride of Christ of which I am a part of. How then could a husband cheat on his wife with his wife? The times when the Church takes the most time from my husband are usually the times when the Church herself draws nearer to Christ, mainly Advent, Christmas, Lent and Holy Week. When my husband is away or just simply busy, I am pleased that God should provide Himself through the added church services to occupy my thoughts and time so that I might prepare my heart for His coming.
And so my life as the wife of a pastor swings back and forth from Cross bearing to bearing Fruit. It is just the same as any other Christian. I am neither to be pitied nor glorified.
It is not in my habit to make bold statements about myself but I wanted to discuss the topic of being a pastor's wife. I have found some places on the Internet, namely the Global Pastor's Wives Network, that have the wrong understanding of what the "role of a pastor's wife" should be. Firstly I object to there being a "role". It is a worldly order that there should be a role for any person besides that of being a good Christian in the life God has placed you in. That there is a "role" for the pastor's wife separates her from the people of God as either being above them or below them, and therefore not the same as them. An earthly role allows one to subtract or add to it anytime it is perceived to be needed. It allows one to seek one's own will, and one's own definition of what being a pastor's wife is. These women of the GPWN are seeking to have a "ministry" of their own, seeking earthly recognition for their sacrifices as a pastor's wife, distorting the Gospel, seeking ambitions of the self, creating discord in the Church, and the list goes on. Do not be deceived by them. In contrast, a pastor's wife, and all who abide in the Body of Christ, together should seek love, joy, peace, and faithfulness, should have patience to trust in God's timing and to seek their crown in Heaven rather than on earth. We should act with kindness, gentleness and self-control so we may be a faithful witnesses to Christ. As a pastor's wife, let us seek nothing more than Christ, not "roles" or esteemed titles. Let us all bear fruits in His Holy Name so that we may not be uprooted and cast into the fire.
My husband and I are not a "ministry couple".
In fact, I do absolutely very little in the Church and I don't sport any "leadership" titles. I don't sing in the choir, play any sort of music, lead Bible studies or other groups, I have no direction in the Christmas pageant or Sunday school, I don't try to raise my kids to be "perfect little angels", and I certainly don't think that it is my job to "manage" the pastor. I am simply a mother who brings her two children to Church and Sunday school. What else should I be? If you would listen to the world then I must be a terrible pastor's wife.
I don't focus on trying to BE a "pastor's wife". The wife of a pastor is just as sin-bound as the rest of all humanity. Before God there is nothing extra-special about me just because of who I am married to. Just as with all Christians, there is a cross to bear, but it is not any worse or better for me than any other person. I am happy to bear the cross He gives me because He causes the Fruits of the Spirit to grow through it. The fruits I bear may go unnoticed many times but I am happy with that also. I must decrease so that He may increase. Here is one example:
I don't speak out about theology or church issues in our congregations. That is my husband's role and God is his help. I have faith that God would lead the church through my husband where He would have it go. I have no need to go about gaining glory for myself by trying to be a great theologian in the eyes of God's people. As a result God is increased because the eyes of His people are fixed on Him and not me, and He is increased in my heart by making it humble and faithful. All Glory be to God!
As my husband received his first call I wondered if I would be jealous of the churches. I had heard it said around seminary that the Church would be your husband's mistress, his other wife. Now I find that idea to be totally despicable and quite a depraved way of thinking. The Church is not a mistress, she is the Holy Bride of Christ of which I am a part of. How then could a husband cheat on his wife with his wife? The times when the Church takes the most time from my husband are usually the times when the Church herself draws nearer to Christ, mainly Advent, Christmas, Lent and Holy Week. When my husband is away or just simply busy, I am pleased that God should provide Himself through the added church services to occupy my thoughts and time so that I might prepare my heart for His coming.
And so my life as the wife of a pastor swings back and forth from Cross bearing to bearing Fruit. It is just the same as any other Christian. I am neither to be pitied nor glorified.
It is not in my habit to make bold statements about myself but I wanted to discuss the topic of being a pastor's wife. I have found some places on the Internet, namely the Global Pastor's Wives Network, that have the wrong understanding of what the "role of a pastor's wife" should be. Firstly I object to there being a "role". It is a worldly order that there should be a role for any person besides that of being a good Christian in the life God has placed you in. That there is a "role" for the pastor's wife separates her from the people of God as either being above them or below them, and therefore not the same as them. An earthly role allows one to subtract or add to it anytime it is perceived to be needed. It allows one to seek one's own will, and one's own definition of what being a pastor's wife is. These women of the GPWN are seeking to have a "ministry" of their own, seeking earthly recognition for their sacrifices as a pastor's wife, distorting the Gospel, seeking ambitions of the self, creating discord in the Church, and the list goes on. Do not be deceived by them. In contrast, a pastor's wife, and all who abide in the Body of Christ, together should seek love, joy, peace, and faithfulness, should have patience to trust in God's timing and to seek their crown in Heaven rather than on earth. We should act with kindness, gentleness and self-control so we may be a faithful witnesses to Christ. As a pastor's wife, let us seek nothing more than Christ, not "roles" or esteemed titles. Let us all bear fruits in His Holy Name so that we may not be uprooted and cast into the fire.
Comments
VERY well put.
Thank you Emily
BTW, Congrats to your congregation for their boldness in the Spirit!
A thoughtful post. If I may add a few thoughts......
First off, it is likely that on the Global Pastor's Wives network there will be loads of false theology floating around, including 'theology of glory' ways of looking at roles in the church and our lives as Christians in general. Seeking recognition and having a 'ministry' come directly from a false theology of the Church.
A big concern of many pastor's wives, whether we want to admit it or not is the expectation of others. The pressure to be someone other than ourselves can be very great. I think that different personalities handle this pressure differently, but there is no one way to be. Each of us is given a set of gifts, circumstances and vocational responsibilities--even those will vary as we travel this life, as children grow and leave home and we grow and change as well. God places us each in a certain place with neighbors all around us to love in His name. What that 'loving of neighbor' looks like in my context may be completely different than it looks in yours. Just a few thoughts.
Beth
I just gotta tell you about what happened to my daughter and son-in-law on Friday. He had his district interview to okay him for sem entrance. Nowadays, the wife has to be interviewed along with the seminarian-to-be. When asked what skills my daughter has that would make her a good pastor's wife, she commented that she's a good cook. :-) Then the interviewers went off on a tangent and she was spared having to answer further.
Yes, I had to go through the District interview with my husband also. Thankfully, I think I've blocked most of it out! :)
Good for your daughter!! I can tell that she'll be an excellent pastor's wife!
Beth,
Thanks for adding your thoughts. They are very true!
While I (am told that I) often sound like I don't give a rip what other people think, the great burden is that I do, deeply. I know what should be going on, but the weight of the expectations is heavy, however unreasonable they are. I've found that it gets lighter after a while, but if anything has led me to plead with my husband to find something else to do with his life (and I have), it has been that. I'm an idealist at heart. I want everyone to agree with what I know is right!
Blogging has been a good exercise for me, because there have been posts where I wring my hands waiting for the attack to come, and yet, it doesn't. And even though I fear the attack, I write anyway.
I've avoided pastor's wives retreats, too, for the very same reason that Caroline stated.
I completely resented being "evaluated" along with my husband on vicarage. On his SET form, there is very little information about me (certainly not that I served as a church secretary or have a minor in child development, lest he get called because they think they are getting a free secretary or a new preschool director).
But I don't know if it is "old age," getting comfortable with this call (3 1/2 years now....its home) or that I can serve in areas where I want to serve now because I'm not chasing a toddler around...it seems that I am more comfortable being me and letting people deal with that. Despite my discomfort, I really was just doing that anyway.
http://www.mfth.org/publication.html?ID=126&pagename=mfthjournal&phrase=women%20in%20ministry
Hopefully you can follow the like.
That was an excellent article. Thanks for sharing it!
One of the reasons I started this blog was to talk about raising children in the faith since I have not found it to be a common topic. Mostly, people think they can just drop their kids off at church and let the people there deal with it. That is such a disservice to your children - you miss so many opportunities to teach your children with that hands-off approach. It is nice to hear other women talk about the importance of raising children faithfully rather than hearing how much children and a life at home just hold you back.
I haven't been to any district wives' retreats. I would hate to have to travel away from my children just to hear more stuff about "ministry".