Curmudgeonly Musings
Here are some very sage words on friendship from Father Hogg:
One of my sons once came back from a trip and announced to me, "I made a lot of new friends on this trip." "No, you didn't," I responded. When he objected, I explained.
Friendship requires that you share a common life. The joys and sorrows, the trials and triumphs of friends are one and the same. Friends share a common mind: the Lord told his disciples, "I do not call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." A friend gives his life for his friends, "Greater love hath no man than this--that he lay down his life for his friends."
Friendships are revealed in the tough times of life. No roof leaks on a sunny day; it takes a downpour to reveal which ones truly protect and which ones only seem to.
We become like the people we befriend. It's inevitable that since persons exist in relations, those who share a common mind, a common life, and the same trials will resemble each other more and more--even when time and space separates them. I saw that clearly when I went to one of my father's Sixth Armored Division reunions. Their bodies were old and bent, but their eyes shone with pride and with tears as they remembered their common bond.
The word "friend" still means something to me--something dear and precious.
That is why I cannot use it to describe relationships with former companions who took the other fork in the road when the time of crisis came. It is not disdain, but love of truth to recognize that without a common life there is no true friendship. Affection? Yes. Sadness? Of course. But friendship? That cannot be the case, where there is no common mind. "Let us love one another, that with one mind we may confess..."
That, too, is why I am going to re-examine my "Facebook" friendships. Facebook tells me that I have 93 friends.
> Some of them are former students;
> Some of them are my family members;
> Some of them are friends of my family members;
> Some of them are truly friends--people with whom we've shared life for more than 20 years.
> And some are newfound, priests and people with whom I have the prospect of sharing one life, one mind.
But as time goes on, the bond with some former students grows dimmer. I need to release them, because as important as they are, I cannot attend to the changes in the lives of those I truly continue to live with.
And now some people I've never met, people with whom I have no common life or even realistic chance of a common life, want to befriend me on "Facebook." I bear them no ill will. I have simply decided not to add them as friends, because I want to focus, in the time I have remaining, on those with whom I have some real connection.
The relation between "acquaintance" and "friend" is like the relation between "house" and "home." As Edgar Guest penned, "It takes a heap o' livin, to make a house a home."
One of my sons once came back from a trip and announced to me, "I made a lot of new friends on this trip." "No, you didn't," I responded. When he objected, I explained.
Friendship requires that you share a common life. The joys and sorrows, the trials and triumphs of friends are one and the same. Friends share a common mind: the Lord told his disciples, "I do not call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." A friend gives his life for his friends, "Greater love hath no man than this--that he lay down his life for his friends."
Friendships are revealed in the tough times of life. No roof leaks on a sunny day; it takes a downpour to reveal which ones truly protect and which ones only seem to.
We become like the people we befriend. It's inevitable that since persons exist in relations, those who share a common mind, a common life, and the same trials will resemble each other more and more--even when time and space separates them. I saw that clearly when I went to one of my father's Sixth Armored Division reunions. Their bodies were old and bent, but their eyes shone with pride and with tears as they remembered their common bond.
The word "friend" still means something to me--something dear and precious.
That is why I cannot use it to describe relationships with former companions who took the other fork in the road when the time of crisis came. It is not disdain, but love of truth to recognize that without a common life there is no true friendship. Affection? Yes. Sadness? Of course. But friendship? That cannot be the case, where there is no common mind. "Let us love one another, that with one mind we may confess..."
That, too, is why I am going to re-examine my "Facebook" friendships. Facebook tells me that I have 93 friends.
> Some of them are former students;
> Some of them are my family members;
> Some of them are friends of my family members;
> Some of them are truly friends--people with whom we've shared life for more than 20 years.
> And some are newfound, priests and people with whom I have the prospect of sharing one life, one mind.
But as time goes on, the bond with some former students grows dimmer. I need to release them, because as important as they are, I cannot attend to the changes in the lives of those I truly continue to live with.
And now some people I've never met, people with whom I have no common life or even realistic chance of a common life, want to befriend me on "Facebook." I bear them no ill will. I have simply decided not to add them as friends, because I want to focus, in the time I have remaining, on those with whom I have some real connection.
The relation between "acquaintance" and "friend" is like the relation between "house" and "home." As Edgar Guest penned, "It takes a heap o' livin, to make a house a home."
Comments
But to say that one cannot continue to be friends with those in their former tradition is something with which I disagree - completely.
You see, the word "friend" still means something to me, too. But it obviously means something very different to him ...
Thank you for including my unworthy musings on your blog.
Dear -c,
I tried to make clear what "friend" means in my post, citing both the Scriptures and a number of personal experiences. I see that "friend" means something different for you. But I don't see that you've said what it means, exactly, and how it is distinguished from, say, 'acquaintance.' Can you please share your view on this topic? For me, a friend is someone who shares a common mind and common life. What is a friend, for you?
The unworthy priest,
Fr. Gregory Hogg
In Titus, the older women are urged to be of spiritual help and example to the younger women, having a common Life. That is true friendship.
Still, we do not forsake the friends we have made in this world just because they do not believe as we do. We have a responsibility to be a true friend to them, a bearer of Christ for their sakes. Love and affection are still there. I would not lean on these friends for my own spiritual benefit however, rather having more to guard myself against them having a negative influence.
If the liturgy at Pascha admonishes us to "let us call 'brother' even those who hate us," how can we not call "friend" even those who love us, who have shown love to us, who have prayed for us, who have supported us, who have laughed and cried with us ... These are more than simply acquaintances.
There is much more to say about this topic than I have said - but I am unbelieveably busy for the next couple of days. Iwill perhaps try to write a post of my own about it.
But yes, Fr. Hogg, I
believe it's safe to say that your understanding of friendship (what it is to be a friend and just who a friend is) is vastly different from my own understanding of the word.
"For a Christian, every man is a neighbor, but far from every man is a friend. An enemy, even a hater and a slanderer, is a neighbor, but *even a loving person is not always a friend, for the relations of friendship are profoundly individual and exclusive*. Thus, even the Lord Jesus Christ calls the apostles his 'friends' only before parting from them, only on the threshold of His agony on the cross and death. The presence of brothers, however loved they may be, does not therefore remove the necessity of a friend, and vice versa." (Pillar and Ground of the Truth, p. 296.)
Wishing you every blessing in Christ, and asking for your prayers, I am
the unworthy priest,
Fr. Gregory
St. Maximos the Confessor
FWIW ...
Have you not had such friends?
I have at least a couple such friends, neither of whom is Orthodox.
The holy father is speaking, in the words you cite, about what makes a friendship a true one, not about what makes someone a friend. "A true friend is one (i.e. a friend) who ..."
Friends, according to Lactantius, have one soul, one thought, one will, and one opinion (as cited in Florensky, op. cit. p. 311). I do not have one thought and one opinion or one will with someone who turns from the Orthodox faith; we do not confess with one mind. Affection, yes; fond remembrance, of course; even love; who could deny it?--but not friendship.
But I see no merit in quarreling over words. I reserve the word "friend" for someone with whom I have one mind; yours is a broader definition. Keep the definition you want; only keep me in your prayers as well, for I am
the unworthy priest,
Fr. Gregory