Scissors or Swords
Why are you converting to Orthodoxy?
Why did you leave Lutheranism?
As part of the monastic tonsure, the novice puts the scissors on the service book held by the abbot. The abbot then either drops the scissors or throws them to the other side of the room. The novice must pick up the scissors and put them back on the book. This happens three times.
As an Orthodox convert... people don't understand what or why we have converted. They are sometimes politely curious, sometimes hurt and angry, and most often plainly confused. Converts are called upon, again and again, to explain themselves and their faith and why.
It is easy to be wearied by explaining something so deeply personal to everyone who demands an account. It is hard to come up with a short answer, which is all most people want. But even if I were to give the longest, most detailed answer it would still be incomplete.
The scissors slide off the book...
While giving an answer to everyone you come across is difficult, so is the person who continually wants you to explain yourself several times. You give an answer here, an answer there, and pretty soon you find you'd just rather not.
The scissors are tossed aside...
Then there are those people who, in their hurt or anger, throw accusations at the convert. You must be having doubts, you made a mistake, you're seeking validation... It is even harder to give any sort of explanation to these people. Both because they do not want to hear it and because you find yourself hurt and angered alike, wanting to rush in and justify yourself.
The scissors are thrown clear across the room...
It's getting wearisome to trudge farther and farther across the floor to get those scissors. It's tempting to bend down and pick up the sword rather than the scissors.
Sigh.
Bend down.
Grope for the scissors.
I am not worthy to make an answer. Lord give me the words.
Bend down.
Here is a person seeking to understand. Lord give me the compassion to patiently lead them on when they are willing for I have it not within myself.
Bend down again.
Bear and forgive the insults and lashes. Lord help me to pray for my brothers for they are sorely abused by the evil one.
Glory to God who gives us this time to bend down, to seek humility. Its difficult and hard to learn the "sublimity of humility". But if we should seek to keep our heart there in that humility, maybe it will go a little easier on our knees.
Lord, even though I have done nothing good in Thy sight, yet grant me by Thy grace to make a good beginning.
Why did you leave Lutheranism?
As part of the monastic tonsure, the novice puts the scissors on the service book held by the abbot. The abbot then either drops the scissors or throws them to the other side of the room. The novice must pick up the scissors and put them back on the book. This happens three times.
As an Orthodox convert... people don't understand what or why we have converted. They are sometimes politely curious, sometimes hurt and angry, and most often plainly confused. Converts are called upon, again and again, to explain themselves and their faith and why.
It is easy to be wearied by explaining something so deeply personal to everyone who demands an account. It is hard to come up with a short answer, which is all most people want. But even if I were to give the longest, most detailed answer it would still be incomplete.
The scissors slide off the book...
While giving an answer to everyone you come across is difficult, so is the person who continually wants you to explain yourself several times. You give an answer here, an answer there, and pretty soon you find you'd just rather not.
The scissors are tossed aside...
Then there are those people who, in their hurt or anger, throw accusations at the convert. You must be having doubts, you made a mistake, you're seeking validation... It is even harder to give any sort of explanation to these people. Both because they do not want to hear it and because you find yourself hurt and angered alike, wanting to rush in and justify yourself.
The scissors are thrown clear across the room...
It's getting wearisome to trudge farther and farther across the floor to get those scissors. It's tempting to bend down and pick up the sword rather than the scissors.
Sigh.
Bend down.
Grope for the scissors.
I am not worthy to make an answer. Lord give me the words.
Bend down.
Here is a person seeking to understand. Lord give me the compassion to patiently lead them on when they are willing for I have it not within myself.
Bend down again.
Bear and forgive the insults and lashes. Lord help me to pray for my brothers for they are sorely abused by the evil one.
Glory to God who gives us this time to bend down, to seek humility. Its difficult and hard to learn the "sublimity of humility". But if we should seek to keep our heart there in that humility, maybe it will go a little easier on our knees.
Lord, even though I have done nothing good in Thy sight, yet grant me by Thy grace to make a good beginning.
Comments
May God give your comfort on the journey and our Holy Thetokos' prayers protect you.
It is likely you are feeling or experiencing it more due to your upcoming chrismation. On the one hand, the Evil One is attempting to scare you off; of the other, the Good Lord is allowing such temptation to steel you, to allow you to 'earn' what he's already given you to help you appreciate it. We all end up being bruised and battered along the way, before, after or long-after our conversions.
"...[T]he listener hears, 'I have found the Truth in Orthodoxy which means I think what you believe is not the Truth'...[and is also] apt to hear a different, more damaging and distorted message...
1) You are heterodox.
2) You have invested years, time and dollars in wrong beliefs.
3) You have endangered the eternal lives of your family and others in your care by settling for wrong beliefs.
4) You are not as “spiritual” as the convert who has found the Truth in Orthodoxy for if you were, you would convert to Orthodoxy, too.
5) Your faith is not good enough for me."
While I never said those things, my actions in leaving Lutheranism did in their minds. And people then reacted to that.
Your conversion is a direct attack on their beliefs. It is bound to shake them up. And...you will see, if you haven't already...that some people know they are not where they need to be, they fear their current situation and because of that may even react more forcefully.
Christopher is right...there are many challenges brought by the evil one. But hey, remember what your daughter, Evelyn, said, "Mommy, sometimes the devil tries to get me to touch fire. But I know it's bad so I don't do it. It's easy not to!" May these hurtful things said to you be easy to endure...bend down, pick up the scissors and benefit from the good exercise doing so brings!
You are in my prayers.
Hold fast, dear. And give glory to God who already finds you worthy to bear this for Him.
Joining my poor prayer to so many others,
Anastasia